Ài

I had almost forgotten about her, the long-haired girl who had once taken my full attention. Yet, there she was. Once again, taking my full-blown attention. It looks like, as hilarious as the cliché may seem, the universe indeed has its very own way of working. Today, I saw her again, struggling with a paying customer at the coffee shop where she works.

I don't know, I felt like someone was tickling both of my feet. I felt like a surge of electrical current went through me when my eyes met her beautiful eyes. I immediately looked at my phone, fumbling with none existing tasks, looking at my own whimsical reflection, avoiding her gaze, pretending to be busy. Trying to soothe my untamed heartbeats.

I returned my silent gaze to her on the sly. It's been forever since I saw her, yet she remains as charming as when I met her five years ago. Unconditionally unchanging. In a good way. In the best way, even. Because I liked her back then, and I like her even more so now.

It's a funny story, really. I didn't exactly expect to meet her on this, let's just say, joyous day. I had the plan to meet some of my old friends. Those I haven't seen, some in years, some in a few months back. We planned on having a get-together, catching up, and whatnot. It's been so long and I thought that the occasion might suffice, having taken the weekend off from work to see them. I missed them, it was such a great opportunity to finally be able to have some talks with them again.

We were talking, mostly, about life. How their lives have been, how mine has been. What they're up to now, what I'm up to now. We were having fun. Still, I simply can't shake even the tiniest thought of her. As I looked through the window of the coffee shop we were visiting, while we were outside having some laughs with a few butts of cigarette to warm ourselves with, I could see her trying her utmost in her work. It was admirable.

I still remember, five years ago, when I asked her for the first time to meet and hang out, how pretty of a person she was. Her long smooth hair, her sweet laugh, her playful attitude, and her dark brown eyes. If I had the chance to capture that moment in time, I'd do it in a heartbeat. My only regret was not spending more time with her.

Having had meeting her I was mesmerized. I went back home with guts full of the entire zoo. I was happy and as time went by we got even closer. 

At the time when we were talking, I was busy with my own shenanigans, and the college tasks made me occupied. I didn't pay much attention to her because I thought that she might need some time to tend to her needs and bustles. Turned out that time and distance had become my worst enemies. We were getting less and less time to talk, to text, to phone each other. I wasn't complaining because she was a person that I appreciate, and the thoughts of having her as my own were selfish, I wanted her to be able to do things herself and grow. I wanted to grow too. I wanted us to grow together.

I was naïve, I suppose. I didn't understand her enough, I suppose. I blamed myself. It was my feelings, and though I may not know if it was reciprocated, I still think that it was my responsibility since I was the one crushing on her. 

Five years went by pretty fast. We went along with our own life. I met someone else, and she met someone else. I managed to finish my thesis and I heard she was one of the faces of her campus. I got back before my graduation and then by chance, I got to meet her again. 

Even after all this time, somehow, she's still there, sitting on a neatly-made oval cushioned sofa at the back of my head. I guess it only took a few clappings for me to have her resurface and made the encore. Of course, after all, an outstanding performance won't slip your mind that easily and what she showed me was broadway.

We got to talk again on that occasion. I was exhilarated, but I tried to remain calm, in case my excitement made her realize how stupid I really am. But I'll take it if looking stupid means I got to keep my feelings for her.

Alas, time sure went by faster than a dying fly when you're having fun. At the end of the day, we returned to each others' rush and went back to the daily activities we left for a moment in the entire epoch. I needed to snap out.

I had fun, it was a well-spent afternoon. After saying goodbye to the rest of my friends, I decided to stay for a while. Admiring her from afar was already enough bliss. When her shift ended... that was it. Nothing more. Nothing less.

This feeling I am holding reminds me of a Chinese proverb-

爱不是占有，而是欣赏。

Love is not about possession, it's all about appreciation.

I suppose that's all it will ever be. An entanglement I could never straighten out. A feeling I could no longer convey. A story that will end here.

I will try to keep this sentiment for as long as I could breathe, on the shelf in my inmost affection. It was enchanting while it lasted and I have to get back up, for me and for her. For her, as a person that I truly find fascinating, as respect on her as her own person. For I am me, and you are you. We might not get to be, but this feeling will always stay true.

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A collaboration writing based on a true story. Thank you Sri Trisnawati for giving the head start to this catharsis, this short story.